As we continue on our journey of life with Cam, we once again discover that finding balance is key. What I don't understand is why doesn't it ever get any easier to find that balance? Why as humans do we find ourselves consumed by our worst traits when times get hard? Why do we feel the need to hit near bottom before we realize the need for help and balance? I guess we call that "human nature", but boy does it make for some bumps in the road!!!!
Every time we have faced a decline in Cam's health or a major change in his medical needs, everything seems to fall out of balance. I tend to deal with these situations by bringing out my controlling side, I have to know everything about everything, I have to make all the appointments, I have to know everything good, bad and ugly about what is happening, I research things to no end, I talk about it to everybody and their brother. Meanwhile, Kevin deals with it in denial until it's right in our face, he internalizes everything and releases some of it in time when he can handle it, he tries to interrupt my control, to no avail, and then lets me go on my manic control spree which ends in all sorts of crazy feelings. Although a lot of those feelings are not justified, they hang in the bounds until we reach the bottom and are strong enough to look inside and decide to make a change. This my friends is exactly the pattern of the last few weeks since we have returned home from the hospital. We came home with new responsibilities, which in turn changes the dynamic of all the relationships in the house. This morning I woke up and decided that today was the day to climb out the hole and get our balance back, take responsibility for my actions and find happiness, so off to yoga I went. I left feeling like a new person, ready to take responsibility for my portion of the unjust feelings as well as talk through the ones I didn't feel responsible for. What I did realize though, for probably the thousandth time in my life, I cannot expect anyone to take care of me better than I take care of myself, and that is where I went wrong. I was expecting people around me to do things that I had never even asked them to do, like they were mind readers, and then allowed myself to be disappointed when they didn't do it!! Seriously! One of the most important things this roller coaster has taught me over the years that I can only be the best mom, wife, boss, and friend if I put myself and my happiness first. I have discovered that while life may give you more than you think you can handle, peoples actions and words can affect you in the moment, and sometimes you feel like everything is against you, only you are in control of the outcomes and your happiness. How you respond to the obstacles, challenges, actions, and words, combined with your ability to talk things out and most importantly the ability to take responsibility for your own actions and feelings is what truly finding balance is all about.
Tonight as I sit on the couch and look over at the two greatest gifts in my life I feel balanced. It feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and am looking to tomorrow, not looking back at yesterday.
I cannot imagine what this roller coaster ride must feel like for a 10 year old, but it however it feels it doesn't seem to stop Cam from finding his happiness. His birthday party was amazing!!! He had friends and family over, the Game Truck came to the house and everyone had a great time. As the parents came in to drop off and pick up their kids, Kevin and I had an opportunity to speak with some of them and were amazed at the amount of compliments they gave Cam. They all raved about him being the happiest kid in the hallways, always offering a smile and a good morning or good afternoon, telling us how their kids come home talking about how great Cam is.......it truly was a humbling experience. After the kids came in from the truck and had cake they were headed downstairs. I asked Cam if he needed help and he replied "no, I got it Mom" as he slid off his chair and began to butt scooch, I witnessed an act of kindness that could only come from a child. His friend sat down next to him and scooched all the way across the floor and down the stairs with him. I wanted so badly to take a picture to capture the moment, but all I could do was stare in amazement and hold back the tears. Cam is surrounded by a support group larger than I ever imagined and we owe a big "THANK YOU!" to everyone who reads his blog, helps him at school, offers thoughts and prayers, raises children that are so kind, helpful, and warm hearted.
This week Cam was asked to be the manager of the boys' volleyball team at his school, and much to my surprise he said YES!! I am so happy that he will be part of a team and that his friends found a way to include him in something that he otherwise would not have had he opportunity to experience.
We are blessed to live such a life and feel such love and support!